Computer Humor

This page contains computer-related jokes that I occasionally run into. They are all in the public domain, as far as I know.

Upgrading Girlfriend to Wife

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8, and the BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

  • A "Don't Remind Me Again" button
  • A Minimize button
  • An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of Cache and other system resources.
  • An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems' hardware probe feature to be much more useful

    I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 FIRST. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

    Another thing that sucks -- all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

    ***********BUG WARNING**************

    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

    *********BUG WORK AROUNDS*********

    To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

    Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name, Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

    Thanks to Patti Yates for sending this item.

    How to Unsubscribe

        Date: Sat, 13 Apr 1996 23:30:16 -0400 (EDT)
        Subject: RE: Sign Off
        On Fri, 12 Apr 1996, Myers, Bill wrote:
        How do you get off this list? I have tried the majordomo and I still get
        mail even though it says I'm not on the list.
    This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning.

    Tools needed: one Hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.

    Step #1: Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).

    Step #2: If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the tools needed?).

    Step #3: find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic switch in an environmental-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to not deliver the diskettes with the messages to the "mailhost" not unlike the little red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.

    Step #4: You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should happen, you will need to disable the "mailhost" once again with more forceful measures. Repeat Step #2. Don't be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the "Have Key" clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer equipment.

    Step #5: After you have once again regained entry into the "mailhost" room, open up the back of the "mailhost". There may be a large tv-like device on top of the "mailhost" You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut any cables binding the tv-like device to the "mailhost". Set the tv-like device to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can find on the "mailhost". Once this is done, the "mailhost" should break away into two or more pieces.

    Step #5: Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked with the following labels: "Danger" "High Voltage" "Do not open - no user-servicable parts". Don't worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have. Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to properly soak each and every component.

    Step #6: In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occassion), douse any flames with the sani-wipes.

    This solution is provided without warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death, contact a physician immediately.

    More jokes to come in the future.


    My USC home page.

    This page created January 28, 1997;
    last updated February 3, 1997.