An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car in an intersection. Smith sued the driver of the car, and the driver's attorney was cross-examining him, trying to impeach his testimony: Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you have told us about all these grievous injuries you suffered in this alleged accident. Isn't it true, though, that you told the investigating officer at the scene of the incident that you were not injured at all? Smith: Please let me explain. When the officer arrived on the scene, the first thing he did was walk up to my horse. He said 'Looks like this one has a broken leg,' and then he took out his service revolver and shot the horse. Then he came up to me and asked me how I was doing. Of course I immediately yelled, 'I'm fine!'
When the lawyer arrived he asked St. Peter if a particular friend was in heaven. The friend had been a federal judge who had died a few months before. St. Peter replied that there were no federal judges in heaven. The next day the lawyer saw someone walking along in long black robes with two federal marshals with him. Later he asked St. Peter about this. He did not want to rock the boat but he thought he'd seen a Federal judge. He described the scene and St. Peter laughed, explaining, That wasn't a Federal judge, that was God. He just thinks He's a federal judge.
In this recession times are tough everywhere, but in Chicago things are so bad the Mafia had to lay off seven judges.
Why are lawyer jokes always inappropriate? Lawyers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in that's a shame)? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a crying shame? A: There was an empty seat.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2+2? The housewife replies: Four! The accountant says: I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: How much for Engineer brain? 3 dollars an ounce. How much for 'other generic proffesion' brain? 4 dollars an ounce. How much for lawyer brain? 100 dollars an ounce. Why is lawyer brain so much more? Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor. That's wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman. Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse. The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? St. Peter replied, Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.
How can I ever thank you? gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. My dear woman, Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) Hot Dang, the Pope says to His-self, If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!
You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment, replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, Well have they got a verdict yet? The bailiff shook his head and said, Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. How's it going?, someone asked. Not too bad, said Diogenes. I still have my lantern.
The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer. Sorry, but I can't do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''. But that won't let people know who it is protested the lawyer. Certainly will, retorted the stonecutter. people will read it and exclaim, That's Strange!
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. Dobbins, he said, What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice. Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be? How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor. I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone? Your diagnosis is as good as mine. What are you talking about? When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine. Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something. Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs? I'll sign a paper that I won't sue. Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' Why are you reading that to me? Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ... Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol. You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore. Then get me another doctor. There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice. If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court. You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone. You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him. That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, That man is going to be in a lot of pain. Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol? I better check you out first. Don't check me out, just give the dope. But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale? What for? To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were. I'm not going to sue you. You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely. Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice. A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as Lawyer, and the party of the second part, also known as Light Bulb, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (New Light Bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as Partnership.
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, I've done some charity in my life also. St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct? The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes. St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here?. Sure do, replied the bartender. Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.
I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS 1300.01 GENERAL: 1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS: Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2; Two-faced Tort Feasor 1; Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4; Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3; Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2; Honest Attorney EXTINCT; Cut-throat 2; Back-stabbing Whiner 2; Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2; Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY; Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7.
From actual court records: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
From actual court records: Now, doctor, isn't it true that, when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
From actual court records: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me. Q: Did he kill you?
From actual court records: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
From actual court records: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
From actual court records: Were you alone or by yourself?
From actual court records: How long have you been a French Canadian?
From actual court records: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
From actual court records: Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
From actual court records: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
From actual court records: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated. A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
From actual court records: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8. A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?
From actual court records: Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
From actual court records: So you were gone until you returned?
From actual court records: Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?
From actual court records: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
From actual court records: Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
From actual court records: Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.
From actual court records: Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid bastard, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
A docter, a lawyer, and a priest are fishing and they see a girl drowning. The priest swims out to rescue the girl and barely make it back to the boat minus an arm. The docter does the same and comes back minus a leg. Then the lawyer swims out and heads directly towards the shark and talks with him a few seconds and then swims away. The lawyer proceeds to rescue the girl. The docter and the priest are amazed. They ask Why didn't it eat you? The lawyer responds Professional courtesy. Sequel: The priest, docter and lawyer are going on a reunion cruise. Again they see a shark circling a girl, but this time the lawer goes first. He swims right up to the shark. He says a few words but then it gobbles him down. The shark comes to the boat and the priest says Why did you eat the lawyer, wouldn't proffesional courtesy have forbidden you from doing that? The shark replied Profesional courtesy only goes so far, after all, it WAS a lawyer. (thanks to Nick Rosen)
A defense attorney, cross-examining a pathologist, asked, Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Pathologist: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Pathologist: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Pathologist: Well, let me put it this way: The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his town's most notorious lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful model. This is so unfair, the man bellowed to the devil. I have to roast and suffer for all eternity, and that sleazy lawyer gets to spend it with her? Silence! the devil demanded, jabbing his trident at the man. You must pay your penance, and the model must pay hers!
Richard dot J dot Wagner at gmail dot com
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Last updated March 31, 2012, by
Rick Wagner.
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