An elementary-school teacher heard children wailing and crying and rushed to the playground to see what was wrong. There, she found Marc, Chuck, and Laura, the latter crying furiously. When she asked what had happened, Marc told her, Chuck took Laura's orange. Then she hit him on the head and called him several dirty names, and he kicked her in the stomach. The teacher replied, Well, then, we'll all have to go to the principal's office. Where is the orange now? Marc smiled and produced the orange from his pocket. I have the orange. I'm Laura's lawyer.
A young attorney was attending a funeral. Another mourner arrived late and asked the lawyer, Where are they in the service? The attorney gestured at the minister and replied, He's just opening for the defense.
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. Sure did, the juror replied, the other eleven wanted to acquit.
John and Joe had been law partners for many years, sharing everything, most especially the affections of their libidinous secretary, Rose. One morning, an agitated John came to Joe with the bad news, Rose is pregnant! We're going to be a father! Joe, the more reserved of the two, calmed his partner and reminded him that things could be much worse. They were both well-off, and could easily afford the costs of raising the child. Rose would have the best care available, her child would attend only the finest schools, and neither would want for anything. The child would have the benefit of having two fathers, both of which were caring and well-educated. Gradually, John got used to the idea of fatherhood. When the big day came, both were at the hospital awaiting the news of their offspring's birth. Finally, John could take no more and went outside to take a walk. When he returned an hour later, Joe had the news. We had twins, said Joe, and mine died.
Several men were drinking in a local tavern, when one decided that he had enough and started for home. He swayed violently as he walked, even though he really hadn't had that much to drink. When one of the newer patrons asked why the man walked that way, he was told that the drinker had been a sailor for 30 years, and still walked as if he was on a ship's deck in heavy weather. The man thought this to be nonsense. He started to make violent pelvic thrusts against the bar as he told his friends, I've been a lawyer for 35 years, and I don't have to do this when I walk!
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand? The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth? The client looked back and said, I imagine that our side will win.
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Here's an orange. The professor was livid. No! No! Think like a lawyer! The student then recited, Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...
The lawyer was in the summation of his case: And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive.
Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge, said the court officer. Where did the cops find all those crooks? The judge replied, The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers.
Two schoolgirls were having an argument. My dad's better than your dad. He's a carpenter and makes buildings. The other girl replied, My dad does better than that. He's a lawyer, and makes loopholes.
A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an attorney on his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips. The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, I didn't know there was a choice.
Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years. One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse. Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete's illness. The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete's death was imminent. As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry. You know that million dollar settlement we got from Morgan last year? I never told you this, but it was really three million. I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away. Can you forgive me? Jerry said that he would, without question. Pete then told him, Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big alimony judgement? It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances. I had been screwing her for years. How can you forgive me? Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten. After Pete had told of several othr transgressions, all of which Jerry forgave, Pete began to look at Jerry as saintly. How can you be so forgiving, after the way I have cheated and lied to you for so many years? Jerry answered, For two reasons, Pete. First, because you will soon be dead, and there's no reason to hate you in the grave. And, secondly, because I poisoned you.
Tadbury was an entrepreneur with a reputation for dishonesty. One day, he went to Smythe, a new but talented attorney. He told Smythe that he wouldn't pay any fees unless there seemed a clear cause of legal action. Smythe agreed to evaluate the case. After a lengthy discussion, Smythe told Tadbury, Your case is absolutely airtight. The other party is dead wrong, and cannot hope to win the case. I will be happy to represent you for a retainer of $10,000. Tadbury then got up to leave. The attorney protested, But I told you that your case was good, and you agreed to pay me if you had a claim! You have to pay me my fee! Tadbury replied, Absolutely not. I'm leaving town. I told you the other guy's side.
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the attorney rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense. What new evidence could you have? said the judge. The attorney replied, My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can. After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.
Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son's arrival home from school. The first object was a $100 bill. That represents high finance. If he takes this, he'll go into business. The second object was a Bible. If he takes this one, he'll be a man of the cloth. The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. If he goes for this one, he'll be a drunkard! The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son's approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each article briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room draining the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, How about that! He's going to be a lawyer!
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself? The lawyer replied, Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children? The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his attorney's bill. It says here that I have to pay you $5,000 now and $500 a month for the next five years! It's like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes! The lawyer smiled and replied, You are.
Billy, Bobby and Joe had a spree in the fruit orchard. They tore all the fruit from the trees, gorged themselves, then threw fruit and generally vandalized the place. When the farmer caught them, he called the sheriff and had them taken into custody. When the boys appeared before the judge after spending a night in jail, he asked them if they had learned their lesson. The first boy replied, Yes, sir. All that fruit made me sick. My dad's a doctor, and he told me never to do that again! The second boy was from a military family, My dad told me that if I ever get in trouble with the law again, I can kiss West Point goodbye! The third boy told the judge, You bet I won't do it. My dad's a lawyer, and I'm gonna sue that farmer for damages to my pants that got tore jumping his fence!
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what contingency was, the lawyer replied, If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything.
Some people think about sex all of the time, some people think about sex some of the time, and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers. --Woody Allen
The down-on-his-luck attorney was sitting in the bar, nursing his beer. How it going? asked a colleague. Terrible. I just got evicted from my office. I wrote up the papers myself. Never would have done it if I hadn't needed the money so bad.
Ann was desperate when she walked into the bank vault where she worked, stuffed $50,000 into her purse, and left the building. She couldn't go through with the crime, however, and called her attorney, who advised her to steal $50,000 more and bring it to his office with the rest of the money. Befuddled, she did this, then managed to get away with her deed when her attorney wrote the following letter: Ann, terribly pressed, stole $100,000 from your bank. Her faithful family, despite their best efforts, was unable to raise more than $50,000, which they offer to return if you will not prosecute...
From the Law School Admission test: A prospective client comes into your office and asks you to represent him in a contract dispute. As the client relates the facts of the case to you, you realize that he has an excellent chance of winning. You also realize that you sympathize with the other party, and indeed the client's motives are reprehensible. But the fact is, everyone is entitled to competent representation. Your decision on whether to accept representation of this client should be based on: A) The client's ability to pay your fee; or B) The client's ability to pay your fee; or C) The client's ability to pay your fee; or D) The client's ability to pay your fee.
A man called his lawyer one day to ask a routine question about an ongoing matter with which both parties were familiar. The lawyer gave a quick routine answer, and the entire phone conversation took no more than 60 seconds. The man was understandably a little dismayed to find a bill from the lawyer in his mail a few days later. The bill charged for 1/4 hour of consultation time, the minimum billing increment, at the lawyer's rate of $225 per hour. The client grumbled considerably as he wrote out the check for more than $50. Two weeks later, while out for a walk, the client happened to walk past the lawyer's house. The lawyer was outside, watering his lawn, and waved to the client. The client walked over and said, Nice day, isn't it? Wait a minute--DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!!
A seasoned pro loses on a robbery trial. His client turns to him and says Well, where do we go from here? The pro replies Son, you're going to prison, I'm going to lunch!
A scientist and a lawyer were discussing the marvels of technology. The lawyer is asked to identify an invention that he would classify as miraculous. His answer: the thermos bottle. Why the thermos bottle? When you put hot things in it, it keeps them hot, and when you put cold things in it, it keeps them cold. So what's the miracle? How does it know?
A young person is approached by the devil, who shows him the two paths in life to follow (the straight and narrow and well, you know...). He also shows him hell, to which, as we all know, the latter path leads. The young person observes masses of people enjoying all manner of earthly pleasures, possessing all the goods than one might want, and in general, enjoying themselves immensely. He chooses the devil's path and becomes the stereotypical lawyer. Years pass, the no-longer-young person dies, goes to hell, and is greeted by the devil. He is assigned to a cell, from which he observes people being subjected to all manner of hideous tortures. He is told that his torture will start in the morning. Puzzled, the lawyer, who followed the devil's path to the very best of his ability asks: But what happened to what I saw when you showed this place to me years ago when you signed me up? The Devil responded, Oh, you must have been here during our summer associate program.
Did you hear about the two gay judges who tried each other?
Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all of the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, I have two questions, First why does each clock move at a different speed? The devil replied, 'They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on the earth. What is your second question? The lawyer asked where the attorneys' clock was, as he couldn't seem to find it. The devil looked puzzled, then his face brightened and he replied, Oh, we keep that one in the workshop. It's used as a fan.
Question: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? Answer: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle? Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.
Lawyer's mother: My son is a brilliant attorney. He can look at a contract and instantly tell you whether it's verbal or written.
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. --Gore Vidal
The lawyer was beginning to grasp at straws during his cross-examination. You say, Mrs. Dawson, that this took exactly five minutes? The witness replied that she was sure. I am going to give you a test. I want you to tell me when exactly five minutes has passed--starting now. The lawyer was intently watching a stopwatch taken from his briefcase. At five minutes, to the second, the witness gave the signal. The lawyer told her, That's quite remarkable. How did you gauge the time so accurately? Mrs. Dawson replied, I watched the clock on the wall behind you.
Turnbull, a wealthy New York City attorney, decided to take a few days' vacation and visit his poor cousin in the Appalachians. As he sat on the rickety porch of his cousin's shanty home, he told him, You know, Henry, you should have followed me and studied the law. Not a man alive could enjoy living in this filth. I make a thousand dollars a day, easy. Cousin Henry replied, Honestly? Turnbull replied, What's the difference?
The Wall Street attorney sent his only son, a notorious ne'er-do-well, to his alma mater law school, promising him a gift of $10,000 if he would make the Law Review in one year. At the end of the son's first year, the law student called his father and told him that he had wonderful news for him. Dad - I'm saving you $10.000!
Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law. Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission. --Ambrose Bierce
Question: What do you have when there is only one lawyer in town? Answer: Too little work. Question: What do you have when there are two lawyers in town? Answer: Too much work.
A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table. --Jean Kerr
There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and was asked to deliver a prayer. Unprepared, he gave a prayer from a lawyer's heart: 'Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord, lest thy servant perish.' --Senator Sam Ervin
A judge is a law student who marks his own test papers. --H.L. Mencken
Despite his best efforts, the lawyer's client was convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair. On the eve of his execution, the convict called his attorney for last-minute advice. He was told, Don't sit down.
An incompetent attorney can delay a lawsuit for years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer. --Evelle J. Younger
Richard dot J dot Wagner at gmail dot com
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Last updated March 31, 2012, by
Rick Wagner.
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