Question: Why are there so many lawyers? Answer: No one would stand in line to see one.
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside. The second doctor said, I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered. Nonsense, said the third doctor. The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts - their mouth and their rears--and those are interchangeable.
Question: What's the difference between baseball and law? Answer: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
You're a cheat! shouted the lawyer's client. You're a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone! That's gratitude, said the offended lawyer. And right after I named my new yacht after you.
Question: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? Answer: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.
Question: A lawyer and an IRS agent jump off the Empire State Building at the same time. Who will hit first? Answer: Who cares?
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized his friend's hand, and said, 'Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days? I'm practicing law, whispered Pete. But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp.
Question: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig? Answer: Nothing. There are some things even a drunk pig won't do.
You've heard of the car that runs on methane gas from chicken shit? They have made it into a perpetual motion machine by giving free rides to lawyers.
A farmer had just bought the best used car he could afford, and he was driving it home. One of the town's lawyers was hitching a ride by the side of the road where his BMW had broken down. The farmer picked him up. Being his usual degrading self, the lawyer asked the farmer, How do you like this new manure spreader you got here? The farmer replied, Don't know yet. You're the first load I've hauled.
If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Question: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? Answer: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile.
Two doctors were discussing a case in the psych ward. The first doc asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odor he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it. The first doc asked, He went mad because he broke an arm? The second medico answered, No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!
Question: What is the difference between a flea and a lawyer? Answer: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you and is linked with the Black Death. The other is a small insect.
A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich. After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy? The customer replies, Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.
Question: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer? Answer: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Question: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? Answer: All the information you need--but you can't understand a word of it.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. Darling, it was just a shark, assured his wife when he came to. You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.
A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine. Why? asked the judge. He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested? Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are. Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground. So, Harry yells down to the man Hey, could you tell us where we are?. And the man on the ground yells back You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air. George turns to Harry and says That man must be a lawyer. Harry says, How can you tell?. George says, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless. That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name! Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a illegitimate grandchild in the family than a lawyer.
Question: Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards? Answer: So they can park in handicapped zones.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. He's in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. Whatdya do that for! exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other! Exactly, replied the sheriff, and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world--nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away... Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it, and begins to smoke it, saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away.... Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely. Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 . Several periods of time later (it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic) the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $200 due for a consultation.
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in his attorney's office as he went over his new will. Your estate is very complex, said the lawyer, but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Because of the complexity of your case, my fee will be $4500. At that point, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. The client, thinking that the lawyer had said $500, wrote out a check for that amount and left. When the lawyer saw the check, he ran out of the building, only to see the client's car disappearing in traffic. Oh, well, thought the lawyer, $500 for one hour's work isn't bad.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge, boy, did they know how to charge!
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? He answered, no. The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was Why? The lawyer answered it anyway: Never got caught.
Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good. One attorney began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that. The man replied, Because I can run faster without them. The first lawyer told him, I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrace that lion. The now-barefoot attorney told him, I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you.
One morning at the law office, one attorney looked at the other and said, Wow, you look really terrible this morning. The other lawyer replied, Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter what I try, I can't seem to get rid of it. The first lawyer told him, Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time for me. Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met again. The first told the second, You know, you look 100% better. The second replied, Yeah, that was great advice you gave me. You've got a beautiful house, too.
Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries. Didja get anything on that last heist? Jack asked. Nuttin' at all, Mugs admitted. Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer. Jeez, ain't that the breaks, his friend sympathized. Didja lose anything?
Have you seen the current remake of the movie Cape Fear? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
Question: What do a baker and an attorney have in common? Answer: They both enjoy carving up the pie.
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them, instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. But they were unfit for any respectable person to hear! Then, said the attorney, just whisper them to the judge.
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live. Isn't there anything I can do? the patient asked. Marry a lawyer, answered the doctor. It will be the longest six months of your life.
Eternity: one lawyer waiting for the other.
There is a finite number of physicians that a population of fixed size will support. The same theory holds for teachers and engineers. However, this principle does not seem to apply to lawyers. The more you have, the more you need.
Question: You are in a room with Mussolini, Hitler, and the lawyer of your choice. You have a gun, but only two bullets. Which do you shoot? Answer: The lawyer, twice.
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
She: You just don't care anymore! He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better? She: Like what? He: How about a trip to Europe? She: No. He: What about a new Jaguar? She: No. He: Well, what DO you want? She: A divorce. He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.
The reason that law schools have been described as a place for the accumulation of learning is that first-year students bring some in, and third-year students take none out--so knowledge accumulates.
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? Answer: You cry when you cut up an onion.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. A million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T. The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research. The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, Three million dollars. Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?
Question: How many lawyer jokes are there? Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
Richard dot J dot Wagner at gmail dot com
LawJokes3.html, this hand crafted, human readable HTML file was created March 22, 2012.
Last updated March 31, 2012, by
Rick Wagner.
Copyright © 2012 by Rick Wagner, all rights reserved.