Question: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? Answer: New Jersey got first pick.
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows: Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows. The lawyer said, I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS! After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town, he said. For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows. I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS! After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS! said the lawyer. The cows will be ours!
Question: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Answer: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: Do I tell my partner?
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading Justice has triumphed! The client wired back, Appeal at once!
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. What a ripoff, the man muttered. I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman. Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, Well, my dad sued me for it and won.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses' asses. One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country.
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45! The lawyer replied, I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve.
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting?
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession. The engineer replied, But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine. Then, the lawyer spoke up, Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place.
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then. He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, Now, what can I do for you? Nothing, replied the man. I'm here to hook up your phone.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Question: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it? Answer: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.
Question: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? Answer: Stick his bill up his ass.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice? The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer- stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
Question: What do you call parachuting lawyers? Answer: Skeet.
Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls. The other lawyer replied, Sure. Out of what?
Question: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures? Answer 1: Vultures can't take their wing tips off. Answer 2: The vulture eventually lets go.
Question: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth? Answer: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.
Question: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Answer: Good morning, your honor.
Question: What do lawyers use for birth control? Answer: Their personalities.
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? Answer: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, I love my BMW, I love my BMW. Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. My BMW! My BMW! he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, Sir, sir, you're bleeding--my God, your left arm is gone! The lawyer, horrified, screamed, My Rolex! My Rolex!
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business? The man replied, I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough.
Question: How was copper wire invented? Answer: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
A man wanted very badly to see a Broadway play, but it took a year to get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In conversation, he learned that the man was an attorney, and that he had purchased the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the play. The lawyer replied, Yes, several of those wanted to come, but they're all at my wife's funeral.
Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
Question: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer? Answer: An empty suit.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, When I address the jury, I'll plead for clemency. Nothing doing! shouted his partner. Let Clemency get his own lawyer!
Question: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? Answer: You can make a pet out of the snake.
Question: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Answer: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Question: Why should lawyers always be buried face down? Answer: If they wake up, they'll start digging.
Question: While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein on one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other. Which do you hit first? Answer: Hussein. Business before pleasure.
Question: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? Answer: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, I have to go back to the office--I forgot to lock the safe! The other partner replied, What are you worried about? We're both here.
Question: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Answer: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant. He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor's brain was $500, a banker's brain was $1500, and a scientist's brain was $2500. Then, he noticed in a far recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told, Oh, that's a lawyer's brain--it's never been used!
Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One boy said, The nut is mine, I saw it first. The other boy said, The nut is mine, I have it in my possession. They were just about to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the lawyer to adjudicate their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for the opportunity and said, I will settle your dispute this way. Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And, for my fee, I'll keep the meat.
A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going to jail, but was told by the attorney, Don't worry--you'll never go to jail with all that money. The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime.
Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a football? Answer: You get only three points for kicking a football between the uprights.
Richard dot J dot Wagner at gmail dot com
LawJokes2.html, this hand crafted, human readable HTML file was created March 22, 2012.
Last updated March 31, 2012, by
Rick Wagner.
Copyright © 2012 by Rick Wagner, all rights reserved.